redRosemosaics's Blog

I am guiltless. Go ask my cat. Go ask god.(i dont capitalize god so i remember not to be afraid of god)

love

rose

Two people died in the same week on a commune I used to live at and I have watched all the discussions on Facebook. I opened ACIM to my place in it and , of course, it’s heading is What is Death? The answer turned me on my head even tho I have read this section before. Lets see what I remember. Death is a symbol of the fear of God. I am still afraid of God because  it is showing up in my world. Death would mean God is cruel and how can love be cruel? Everyone in pain asks this – Why me o god? Why me? God didnt make death, we did. Or more to the point it looks like we did. Jesus and a few others were purported not to have died, really. Ramtha said resurrection was common in his time. It’s an ILLUSION. It can be how we say. And we say death. Death will be the last thing we let go of. We will probably fly first or turn our hair blue with a thought.

So I ask to let go of my fear of god. It’s baseless. What is this fear? Is it a thought? A thought I have had over and over. My mother taught me about death and I believed her.It was on the tv. My cat died when I was a kid. There were stillborn kittens. A cousin. And fear of God. There were rules to follow and most people couldn’t follow them. And god was the deathman too. The world said God dished out death so I feared God. Heaven was going to be wonderful but it was unlikely most of us would get there. That seemed cruel. So I hated God and then I realized how vulnerable THAT made me. More fear. Could my past be wrong? Maybe we are looking at an illusion. A dream just like the ones I woke up from not an hour ago. Each one of those dreams has rules and “truths”. Here we have death. I would prefer to think we are just making it up here in this dream and in reality there is no death. Imagine waking up and there is no death.

I am still here. I could be here with an open mind that doesnt know what is going to happen. Thats who I am anyway.  The sky could open up and we could sprout butterfly wings.

love

rose

God, love, and joy are with me always and nothing but the will of god CAN occur…even if this creeps out the teenagers in the house.

The world means nothing until I give it meaning. And it is hilarious to note how often I choose to give it a sucky meaning.

There was a true blizzard here last night – with thunder and lightning even and a whopping bit of snow – over a foot and still it snows. While we shoveled the wind would blow and we would just have to stop because we couldnt see. It is an extravagant amount of snow. It has the trees leaning and breaking. We live in a nice heated house with hot chocolate and I have no where I have to be and nothing I have to do so I can see it and enjoy it. We have plenty of food etc and can take turns shoveling. We even helped the neighbors.

love

rose

I am so sure I am here I have a plan to cut my toe nails. Or was it to do art? The cats will want in and out and to be fed. I’ll make dinner. I’ll dance. But I am not here. My whole job is to facilitate getting us home. On the way I must notice joy. There’s some trust around here – I can pack that up and use it. Never mind how often I seem to lose it.

Everything is temporary, even differences. If I could somehow manage to get everything just the way I wanted it is still going to change here.  I can feel that truth isnt changing. But I dont live in truth, I live in a dream. Its a solid and convincing dream. Persistent was Einstein’s word. I am not always aware of cause but I know I am being it. I did not make who I really am but I have made this world. Its a crazy stupid beautiful world without sin.

Here I am with long toenails. There is another place that I am from that I cant remember but I can feel. I can feel I am away from home. Something aint right with this dream. I listen to the music of this dream and I want to dance.

love

rose

I had to buy another pair of illusory glasses today for my dream eyes with play money I think is real. If god wore glasses somehow could god see me? Does god see me? I have read in many places god does not see me. I am in a plane that god , being infinite unlimited perfect joy and love, cannot perceive. Perhaps god can still feel me. God waits for our , my return. Perhaps I will tell the tale when I get there of our , my travels.

I caught myself today choosing to believe in a thing that was upsetting me rather than to turn my mind to how who I really am (wira for short) might see it. The world is but a stage and no one is who they appear to be. Do actors know they arent who it says they are on their drivers license? I hope some do. All will. Could we have some fun then? When we all realize we arent who we thought we were, we are better. Infinitely joyfully better.

And all the tiny complaints in a day…I dont personally have large things that distress, I make due with small ones. Tiny annoyances that I cant seem to let go of and why are they even there? All the ways I must pay. All the little sins I notice. Row row your boat gently down the stream merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream. A godsend.

ACIM in a nutshell. I was taught forgiveness is a) notice a sin b) pardon it. ACIM sez forgiveness is knowing that we are in a dream so there is nothing to forgive, we are actually at home asleep in god’s arms. Reading the book is a joy.

love

rose

I’ve run away from home but I get the feeling god is incapable of worry, being all that is. I ran off like a teenager sure I could do better than god. Am I special enough yet? Is the world better than home? I can hardly remember home…..I’d go home today if packing up didnt seem like an impossible task. How am I supposed to pack up the universe I have made? Do I have to? Can I leave it here? Will it be alright? I’d prefer to keep it, in my pocket so I can peek at it.

I danced to beautiful music and then I was still and asked god to tell me straight – was there any where that I had gone astray? Had I sinned? In a rush I was lifted and I leaked as I felt loved beyond what I have known. God said I am in love always, it cares for all, has my back always. I swear god said the universe had my back. I said that didnt sound like god and god laughed and lifted me higher. Now I cant breathe out of my nose good because I have been leaking. Now what do I do? Go back to the laundry, to the art. I guess I went to church.

Yesterday I made the Thanksgiving meal all alone. No children under foot , no relatives or friends or enemies. The cats stood by. It turned out fabulous, didnt mess up one thing. I made two pumpkin pies, a sixteen pound turkey, two cranberry dishes, cornbread stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet potatoes, green bean salad,corn, wild rice dish, two kinds of rolls. Most of it from scratch. I was impressed.  I wore a beautiful dress and felt beautiful. I took a short walk to meet Red coming home from work. Eli and Sarah came around 4 – the smallest Thanksgiving I have ever been to. We had a Chablis I really liked. I have a small blister on my hand from the whole thing. I made a stupid comment about Red’s drinking. His drinking isnt always perfect and sometimes my reaction to it isnt either. Or more truthfully both are perfect. I said o dont listen to him hes been drinking. I dont listen to drunk people the same as sober. Even tho alcohol is sometimes called spirits and I can see that.

So I cook good alone. I felt very grateful yesterday. I thought life just couldnt get any better really and the universe said, o yeah? watch me.

love

rose

It is amusing to me that I have difficulty accepting things the way they are. Things will change and even if it is a long way off how am I so sure that things are some way they arent supposed to be? There has been no evidence in my life that anything has EVER gone wrong. I am still here and able to love and what else is there? My ego is a scraper and wants to feel like I am affecting change. I want to feel important. As if I could ever do something that would give me that feeling. I think it is only that sometimes I notice how important everyone, including me, is. And not because of what people are doing. Doings seem silly at those moments. It is a knowing how precious and necessary everyone is and there is no evidence of it. My ego doesnt even mess with it when I know something.

I would ask my ego right now to be in the service of finding joy. I know it wants to chew on problems and find judgments that will make us right for a minute but I ask for another job today. Find joy. True joy. The real deal. I dare you. I bet you cant. It is foggy and we have to spend the day at school with Em. Ch put a for sale sign in the front yard. Theres a longer list than this of stuff I am not accepting……..

is god now going to do the laundry?

love

rose

It isnt what is or isnt happening in my life – the thing is who do I think I am. Am I a puppet sent here to live out this story? There is peace in this thought. Puppets can just relax and let the story act itself out. If I made the story then there is even greater cause to just relax and let it wash over me. If I am creating the story as I go THEN I need to worry. Am I doing it right? How do I get things the way I want them? Why arent they the way I want them? Do I suck at my job? Was there a goal before I came?

If I think I am love and pure love at that then this life could be play, just play, and it doesnt matter what happens. I can be happy and sad and who I am is neither and both. I am but one sound in a song – hardly interesting by itself , amazing as a whole, and thus totally necessary and precious.

Healing is on my mind. Obviously the body can heal all by itself. But I feel I should get in there sometimes and try to fix things. It is part of the illusion that I am separate. While separate, help becomes a part of the play. Giving and receiving look different here. Everything will change , my ego wants to say how and when, as if knows. I dont think it does.

love

rose